Most good 'therapist' skills are just good relational skills. Any idiot can apply a Band-Aid or an ice pack, and any idiot can also learn to respond to human suffering without freaking out.
Excellent post, as usual. I just had occasion to be the support guy for an 18-year-old student who seemed merely like a guy with an attitude problem, but a hallway convo with him revealed a whole world of hurt and a surprising vulnerability. Mr. defiant too-cool-for-school had tears in his eyes. Life was much more complicated for him than I would ever have guessed.
I love your writing. It really helps me understand people in my world.
And hey, just found this posted in a random comment thread about nothing in particular, no idea who generated it, thought you might like it. I have memorized it. It actually reads like something you would write:
"I regret to inform you that personal growth rarely comes from acquiring new knowledge and almost always from:
It makes me disgustingly happy to think that my brain ramblings have use in the real world, and I am so grateful it helps you feel more able to understand people. There's a point in therapy school where it sort of melts your brains, thinking about how every single person has such a profoundly complex world and their actions and choices make complete sense once you understand what they're like and what they've lived through.
You are correct, I absolutely love that random comment! I would not say it so baldly to my own clients, but it is a good reminder in this sort of forum that growth is not comfortable and often requires taking stock of yourself and measuring the gap between where you are and where you'd like to be. Thank you for your kind and thoughtful contribution as always!
Would like to add to this- I can tell by your phrasing and intention in this post that you have a deep understanding of the loneliness that comes with suffering.
As a profoundly lonely person I feel so seen. I can understand fully the weight of this topic, and yet I still struggle to convey it to others- both to lean on others when I really need it, or to show them they can lean on me.
I also really appreciate all the external perspectives you brought.
I am not a therapist, but my own (autistic) experience of what my favorite therapists do: ask clarifying questions. I love to be asked clarifying questions, even when I’m really, really upset. I feel like the person who is listening to me really wants to understand, and it helps me sort through what I’m feeling and understand it better myself.
Yes, absolutely! Thanks for this addition. Clarifying can help so much, and if you’re really unsure and new to it all you can just repeat the last bit of what someone says in question form to encourage them to keep talking and show that you’re following them (“I just feel really hopeless.” “Hopeless?”) You’re really just showing care and presence.
I think people are often scared to ask silly questions (and to be fair, around grief in particular, a lot of people do because they panic).
Here's what I'm still wondering after reading the piece. Many of the core skills you describe seem widely teachable. But therapy also provides things friendships often can’t: neutrality, clinical responsibility, and intervention frameworks that sometimes run counter to common sense (like approaching anxiety rather than avoiding it). Curious how you think about that tension.
Absolutely, I tried to touch on this in the piece but it’s hard to stress firmly enough: professional therapist skills absolutely involve clinical and professional expertise on a level that isn’t realistic (or well-advised, for all sorts of reasons) for laypeople to attempt.
This is basically three pieces mashed into one (a particular foible of mine) and one of the three is about how therapy has become an emotional pressure release valve in a way it was never really intended to be.
<3 thank you so much, what you’ve added is both very wise and a perfect counterbalance example of the value of not completely freaking out in response to suicidality. It’s hard to balance safety advice with ‘treat people like people’ advice.
Excellent post, as usual. I just had occasion to be the support guy for an 18-year-old student who seemed merely like a guy with an attitude problem, but a hallway convo with him revealed a whole world of hurt and a surprising vulnerability. Mr. defiant too-cool-for-school had tears in his eyes. Life was much more complicated for him than I would ever have guessed.
I love your writing. It really helps me understand people in my world.
And hey, just found this posted in a random comment thread about nothing in particular, no idea who generated it, thought you might like it. I have memorized it. It actually reads like something you would write:
"I regret to inform you that personal growth rarely comes from acquiring new knowledge and almost always from:
- getting humiliated
- showing up terrified and doing it anyway
- admitting you might be the problem"
It makes me disgustingly happy to think that my brain ramblings have use in the real world, and I am so grateful it helps you feel more able to understand people. There's a point in therapy school where it sort of melts your brains, thinking about how every single person has such a profoundly complex world and their actions and choices make complete sense once you understand what they're like and what they've lived through.
You are correct, I absolutely love that random comment! I would not say it so baldly to my own clients, but it is a good reminder in this sort of forum that growth is not comfortable and often requires taking stock of yourself and measuring the gap between where you are and where you'd like to be. Thank you for your kind and thoughtful contribution as always!
Would like to add to this- I can tell by your phrasing and intention in this post that you have a deep understanding of the loneliness that comes with suffering.
As a profoundly lonely person I feel so seen. I can understand fully the weight of this topic, and yet I still struggle to convey it to others- both to lean on others when I really need it, or to show them they can lean on me.
I also really appreciate all the external perspectives you brought.
Thank you for writing this!
I am not a therapist, but my own (autistic) experience of what my favorite therapists do: ask clarifying questions. I love to be asked clarifying questions, even when I’m really, really upset. I feel like the person who is listening to me really wants to understand, and it helps me sort through what I’m feeling and understand it better myself.
Yes, absolutely! Thanks for this addition. Clarifying can help so much, and if you’re really unsure and new to it all you can just repeat the last bit of what someone says in question form to encourage them to keep talking and show that you’re following them (“I just feel really hopeless.” “Hopeless?”) You’re really just showing care and presence.
I think people are often scared to ask silly questions (and to be fair, around grief in particular, a lot of people do because they panic).
Here's what I'm still wondering after reading the piece. Many of the core skills you describe seem widely teachable. But therapy also provides things friendships often can’t: neutrality, clinical responsibility, and intervention frameworks that sometimes run counter to common sense (like approaching anxiety rather than avoiding it). Curious how you think about that tension.
Absolutely, I tried to touch on this in the piece but it’s hard to stress firmly enough: professional therapist skills absolutely involve clinical and professional expertise on a level that isn’t realistic (or well-advised, for all sorts of reasons) for laypeople to attempt.
This is basically three pieces mashed into one (a particular foible of mine) and one of the three is about how therapy has become an emotional pressure release valve in a way it was never really intended to be.
Thank you. A keeper.
I’m so glad to hear that Betsy, thank you thank you.
<3
<3 thank you so much, what you’ve added is both very wise and a perfect counterbalance example of the value of not completely freaking out in response to suicidality. It’s hard to balance safety advice with ‘treat people like people’ advice.